Family First

Courage to Continue

a young woman looking for embryo donors

courage to continue

Three years of fertility treatments culminated in one devastating test result: on April 16, 2008 (a day that will forever be etched in my memory) my husband and I were informed that my FSH levels indicated we would never be able to have genetic children.

For the next few weeks and months I GRIEVED the loss of a genetic child. Every girl sees her husband’s baby picture and dreams of a child that will look just like him or dreams of a child with her eyes. I needed to let go of that dream. In time, I did.

Eventually, we were able to move forward. Mostly. I still flinched when someone would compare a baby’s features to their parent’s features, but my desire to carry a baby made embryo adoption look more and more interesting to me every day. The more I read, the more excited I got. I researched, read, followed along on other’s blogs and decided that maybe, just maybe, that was where God was calling us.

Brad took a little more time to get there. I think he was more afraid of the “newness” of it all and all the uncertainty involved. By early July Brad was on board and I was given the task of researching options for agencies, etc. Right around this time, I joined a local infertility support group. There was something so comforting about talking with women that knew EXACTLY what you were feeling and going through.

We fell in love with our very first match – we were sure that this was God’s plan for us and that it just had to work. The night before our first transfer, I remember sitting in my living room with 20 of my closest friends and family lifting up our upcoming procedure to God. I remember being SO very certain that it would work.

12 days later I found out that I was miscarrying. I was in shock. How could this be, God? Why, oh why, more heartache? I was devastated. I didn’t understand why God would allow this to happen…I thought His plan was for this transfer to work. I was angry…crushed…and confused. I didn’t know how I would be able to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Thankfully, a dear friend from a support group prayed for me, never left my side, and reminded me over and over that God loved me. After a few weeks of avoiding God altogether, I fell to my knees asking Him to forgive me for not trusting Him and to make use of the pain in my heart.

God did a lot in healing me and through me that summer. We were matched with another family in May, 2009, who we lovingly refer to as our “Texas Fan Club”. Four months later we transferred 2 of the 3 embryos and were amazingly blessed nine months later by the birth of our daughter, Makenna.kenna 028

Embryo adoption was and is the perfect option for our family. Shortly after Makenna was born I remember contemplating that if someone asked me if I could either have a genetic miracle baby next or have the one remaining embryo join our family, which would I choose. With no hesitation whatsoever I would choose this remaining embryo. There are a million different reasons :

  • it is a life already created
  • it would be a genetic link to Makenna
  • have you seen how cute this little girl is? our genes could never compare:);
  • I never EVER flinch when someone tells a child they look just like their parents – it really just doesn’t matter to me anymore – God took that from me
  • we are all adopted sons and daughters of God
  • I really truly feel like God created these embryos just for us & froze them until His time
  • ok, I’ll stop here before I’m tempted to actually type out all 1 million

The list may stop there, but our story doesn’t. We still had 1 more frozen embryo with a story all “his” own. To be continued…

Credit: Laura at SnowflakeBabyGirl